The day before the day before

I’ll be honest, I am starting to panic a bit. The general anaesthetic, the removal of the eye, and what I will be left with (i’m thinking of that dude from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves) is getting a bit too much…. Normally running gets me through anything, all my weird anxieties and worries and I have been continuing to run through the last couple of weeks since I was diagnosed (with some hideous sessions being given to me by coach Hobbs) but today I had to reach for something a bit stronger to help combat my anxiety… I guess this is what drugs are for! It seems to come in waves, with me worrying about different things, from not actually waking up from the op to what the actual ‘new eye’ will look like, to people running on my left… I’m not eating or sleeping very well and i’m struggling to stay positive all of the time….. I know that this is all normal and for me I need to feel all of these emotions to be able to process stuff, but it is just a bit wearing…

I have actually also been overwhelmed by my community, family and friends and what they are doing for me. From sending flowers, making the family food, drinking gin with me, heading out for random family days out and ringing and texting. I feel so much love and support around me it makes my heart swell. To all of you, THANK YOU, you are my squad, my cheerleaders, my team, I could not do this without any of you. I am also especially grateful to the OculMel support group that I have joined that have been the calming voice through my crazy thoughts. They have made me laugh, reassured me and sent pictures of their prosthetic eyes, a blooming wonderful group.

Ocular melanoma and particularly the type that I have is so bloody rare that not that much is known about them, how they are formed or what can trigger them, it makes it difficult to find out much information. I know for me, there isn’t much treatment choice because of the size of the tumour, the fact that it is a vascular tumour, where it is and the fact that it is almost coming through my eye (gross I know) and the fact that I would forever be living with a sleeping time bomb, never knowing when it would come back or even where the secondary tumour would appear. it doesn’t make the choice any easier though.

So here I am, it’s Monday, I head to Sheffield tomorrow and my op is scheduled for Wednesday morning. I am battling with a head cold also which isn’t great but I am going to do everything I can to make sure that I am on that operating table ready, I cannot postpone the op, my nerves would not take it!

All I can ask is that you all send positive vibes to me and channel all of your Mini Mermaid strength to me over the next few days.

Hannahx

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