I’ve been finding myself saying this a lot recently. ‘Life’s too short to eat rubbish chocolate.’ ‘Life’s too short to watch that film with sub titles.’ ‘Life is too short to be in a traffic jam on the M62.’ ‘Life’s too short to be in online project management training for two days.’ I feel like I am stuck between two worlds. The world of ‘normality’ where I want to get up, go to work, do the chores and for everyone to treat me as if everything is normal and the world where nothing is normal and all I want to do is experience the most out of life and spend time with my kids passing on all of those little stories that have made me me. I don’t want to be wasting any time on things that I don’t feel are important, but what makes me the oracle on what is important and what isn’t. It’s a really tricky place to be in, not only for me but for those around me.
Maybe that film with subtitles that Mr-Me-Myself-And-Eye loves to watch will be the best thing that I have ever seen…. it’s doubtful but maybe I should give it a chance. Maybe by eating rubbish chocolate (and by this I mean the chocolate that is actually expensive and uses cocoa beans crushed between some sacred stones in the mountains of Peru) I will unlock some deep and meaningful part of my soul that will help me understand the meaning of life. Maybe by being in the never ending queue on the M62, It will give me the chance to learn something new about the motorway that I have never seen before (although having driven on the M62 approximately 100 BILLION times in my lifetime, I’m not sure that there is anything else to learn about it… apart from the mystery that surrounds the M62 farm in the middle… I’ve always wondered if it is noisy inside the house…) Maybe by sitting in online project management training for two days straight questioning my life choices, it is actually giving me the opportunity to understand how to project manage my big challenge next year…?
When my first Oncologist (Doogie Howser) said that the average life expectancy of someone with stage IV Liver metastatic cancer was 12 months, I simply said ‘No.’ I wasn’t going to allow my story to end in a year, I had too much to do and even though I haven’t bought in to the ‘year left to live’ narrative, I am acutely aware that in the eyes of Oncology I am half way through that year and I feel a need to reflect on what have I achieved in that time because I haven’t done anything huge or crazy like taking the kids out of school to travel the world on a camel (although, I guess entering Ironman could be classed as crazy!) So here is my list of my small but lovely achievements over the last 6 months.
I have appreciated more sunrises than I did before, being an early bird I have always tended to see the sun rise but I am super grateful to see them now and welcome in each day. I have revelled in the changing seasons and the incredible light that autumn brings and I am trying to change my mindset about winter (a season that I absolutely do not like) I am embracing the cosiness and warmth that it brings and the cold water dips under moonlight! I have learnt to be ok with my own company and embrace all of the emotions that comes with being on your own and with your own thoughts. I have connected with people and friends more, eaten cake and laughed at stupid jokes and memes. I have been a mum and a partner, arguing with the teenager about too much screen time and leaving her sh** around the place, cuddling up to the smaller one in front of Bake Off worrying that Dylan might be thrown off because his signature dish was pretty rubbish (IYKYK,) preparing for Christmas and getting excited about going ‘extra’ this year (I am even letting the kids get some tinsel for the first time ever!) I’ve planned the house reno with Mr Me-Myself-And-Eye just in case I am not here when we eventually get round to getting it sorted. I’ve spent more time with my mum and dad, really listening to them and their stories, appreciating every moment that I have with them.
So yes, I haven’t done anything life altering or huge but all the things that I have done have real meaning and are making as many memories as huge and expensive trips. I guess for the next 6 months I want to continue to do much of the same…. whilst eating good old fashioned Cadbury’s chocolate and avoiding online project management training….. I mean, life is too short for that…. right?!
Hxx
Me, myself and eye 