Words Matter

I have started to take issue with the word ‘terminal’ To me, it gives a sense of finality, an ending, where everything stops. I think of a train terminal, the end of the line where the engine cuts out and the lights go off. The other difficulty that I am having with it is that I don’t actually feel poorly and I don’t look like anything is wrong. This has been helped by the iron and blood that I accepted willingly after my last treatment and most people that I have bumped into since round 2 have said ‘wow, you look well!’ (Baring in mind I am a child of the 80’s and 90’s and every time some says that to me I have to stop myself from responding with ‘you mean I look fat..’) and so it feels really strange to tell people that I have ‘terminal cancer.’ and I have a habit of being quite flippant about it as if I am telling them that I ate eggs for breakfast and then I always end in a bit of a nervous laugh… WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

I also don’t know what to do when friends that I haven’t seen for a while say ‘Hi how are you, what have you been up to?’ I mean, I know that I could lie and say that I’m fine and that I haven’t been up to much but when I do that, it feels even more awkward and I always end up saying something that makes the situation even more uncomfortable and then I just start to spiral and fill the space with noise and twitchiness. I also have a paranoia that if I say that I have ‘terminal cancer’ they are not going to believe me because I don’t look poorly! It’s a vicious circle of angst!

I think the answer is to call It something else… ‘incurable cancer, a slight issue with my liver, an illness that currently is making me look well and healthy but will, in the future be my downfall…too much of a mouthful?

Aside from my continuing angst about telling people and my inability not to be incredibly awkward at all times, I have a reputation of doing things (and dragging friends, husbands and family members) into extreme things that seem like a good idea. I think that I have mentioned this before but for one of Mr-Me-Myself-And-Eye’s birthdays I booked a mountain marathon event in Scotland where we spent the night before in a tent in the worst storm that Scotland had had in years and then had to spend the day afterwards in the pissing rain navigating around the the hills of Scotland. Another time I booked a 100km race as a wedding present for Mr-Me-Myself-And-Eye which actually broke me for months afterwards… my friends are always cautious when they open a message from me as it probably contains a link saying… this looks like fun! I mean, generally the actual events that we do are not fun in the moment but we have lots to laugh about retrospectively…. A particular highlight in one 30 mile event 3 weeks after I had my eye removed was my friend Katie losing her sense of humour* 27 miles in when we had taken a wrong turn and taking my walking sticks that were helping me see and navigate the hilly course to help her to the end. She wasn’t in the mood for me to say no (unsurprisingly I had suggested the event) and so I didn’t argue with her. We laugh a lot about that day now…

*She lost her sh** BIG time.

So it won’t be a surprise to anyone to know that I have dragged a very good friend into taking part in a crazy event in Leeds next year. I’m not going to say exactly what it is yet but needless to say I am currently woefully underprepared, I’ve still got two Chemosaturation treatments to contend with and I don’t own a bike… oh and I have an illness that currently is making me look well and healthy but will, in the future be my downfall.

Wish me (and my very good friend who I hope still is my friend after the event) luck!

Hx