If a bottle of wine (of any variety) holds 3 (generous) glasses of wine and mummy drinks 2.5 glasses a night, how many bottles does mummy need to buy to get her through a week of lock down with her kids…?Hannah Corne
You can see where this blog is heading….
I’ll be honest, when i heard that the schools were closing, i thought, ‘no worries, i’m all over this. We’ll have some lovely time together, it’ll be great not rushing anywhere and spending some quality time at our new house.’
My imagined scenario was this….The kids will settle down into a daily routine of sitting quietly and do their maths and reading in the morning (after we have been out for a brisk blast of our allotted outdoor activity) whilst i write a book or even a critically acclaimed play and Insta stalk everyone and anyone. In the afternoons, we’d do some wholesome activities together, culminating in cooking a wonderful meal together ready for when Mr Me-Myself-And-Eye came home from work (he is still required to go in every day… although i have my suspicions that it is all an excuse…) All whilst making sure that i was wearing clean ‘fashionable’ clothes and a dab of makeup each day, just to keep my spirits up. I would drink nothing but herbal tea and water and take part in daily yoga and mediation, then when my friends saw me after all of this was over, everyone would exclaim how amazing my complexion was and how calm and together i appeared. (In an aside, my work at Mini Mermaids has had to cease as schools have closed and whilst Mr Me-Myself-And-Eye has to go to work to ensure that the country still gets it’s television entertainment, the education of the children lies firmly in my hands…. god help everyone.)
Here’s a snapshot of how the week actually went:
Monday – Started off positively until i asked child 2 to get his book and pencil to do some times table practice, “What’s a book mummy?” “ffs” i muttered under my breath as i checked my watch to see if the wine shop had opened yet. After taking an hour to go through 10 multiplication questions (and periodically wanting to slam my head against the table) finally the painful activity was over. Onto their maths online work that the school had set. Easy peasy i thought, i just have to sit back and let them do this, no involvement from me, So i threw the ipads at them, cracked open my laptop ready to create some magic,
“Mummmmmyyyyy, what’s my log on?” – No Idea
“Mummmmmmyyyyyyyy, i’m hungry” – Have some fruit
“Mummmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy, can i just play games?” – No
Muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy , can you heeeeeeelllllppppp meeeeeeeeee” – Not the point of you doing it.
Tuesday – Started off well! “Mummmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy can we do our work outside today ppplllleeeaaassseeee?”
‘Oh what a fabulous idea’ I thought, doing our writing among nature, what better way to inspire creativity.
“Aghhhhhh there is a beeeeeeee! It’s coming to get me.” – FFS
“The grass is making my brain itch” – Is that a thing?!
“The sun is too bright” – FML
For two children that excell at being outside, the amount of moaning that occured made me wonder if an alien had exchanged them for some other children just to make this time in lock down extra specially s**t.
Wednesday – Science, one of my favourite subjects. Creating static electricity to make rice pops (Aldi rip off of Rice Crispies) jump out of a bowl, how exciting…..as with every other day, it all started with so much promise with them actually listening to me as i frantically rubbed the balloon up and down my chest to create the electricity….until they ate all the rice pops that were meant to be part of the experiment and then ran around playing keepy uppy with the balloon, periodically tripping over the paving slabs that i had told them to keep clear of.
Thursday – Baking, a wonderful thing to do with kids….. Right now, in the UK, flour is not something that we should be wasting AT ALL. There are scores of people up and down the country who have stock piled tons and tons of the stuff, which must mean that everyone has found their inner baker in this time of crisis. Because of the flour shortage, i was being very precious and precise with the measurements (which is not like me at all, i am normally a slap dash type of gal!) This was the last bag of flour that i had and i imagined making perfect sponges for a few weeks with it, topped with fresh cream and strawberries…..perfect timing for child number 1 to pour nearly a whole blooming bag into the bowl, kitchen work surface and floor. Excellent. It actually wouldn’t have been so bad had the finished results been edible…..
Right, onto writing, something that i also like to do. From their reactions, i had obviously had asked them to stab themselves in the eye with a blunt instrument. The amount of WHINING was exceptional…. which just got on my nerves to be honest and so i told them to write about anything that they really enjoyed doing, which in child 2’s case turned out to be farting, especially in his sisters face. Again, excellent.
Friday – This was meant to be the day where we planted some seeds, ready to watch new life emerge from the soil, but the reality was that I was exhausted from spending so much ‘quality time’ with the lights of my life….. I decided that today was going to be dedicated to being as active as possible (in a bid to tire them out to be in bed before 9pm) So I spent most of the day playing cricket and football (in the garden, obvs), asking them 1 million zillion times not to use the picture rails in the house as a pull up bar and standing like a statue whilst they drew chalk outlines around my body and then made it look like poo and farts were coming out of my bum.
My fashion this week has been… how do i say it… casual…. in fact my own mother even said, “For god sake Hannah, at least change out of your pyjamas. ” In my defense, i was wearing what i thought were a very hip pair of slouchy tartan trousers… that in hindsight could have been mistaken for PJ’s….The dusting of makeup has been a slather of moisturizer (when i remembered.) I have been doing daily yoga (small wins) but with either a child climbing on me/wanting to join in or a constant cry of “muuummmmmmyyyyyyyy” which has negated the point of doing it in the first place…There goes my calm exterior and dewy complexion when this is all over.
A few more observations of this first week of lock down:
- My children are ALWAYS hungry….. like always.
- To do anything remotely ‘school work’ related, they need me sitting next to them at all times practically answering the questions for them.
- Some of the questions that they ask are utterly rubbish and i have to stop myself sighing in disappointment in their faces.
- They use the word ‘mummy’ as a filler in pretty much every sentence that they say. All. Day.
- Teachers need a medal…. and a pay rise.
- They can sniff out if i have woken up before them and try and sneak downstairs for a cup of coffee….Oh to have a child free coffee…..*wistfully thinking back 2 weeks*
- As long as i lower any expectation of doing anything else (like showering or drinking a hot drink or writing, or reading) and i focus my whole attention on them 24/7… we are going to get through this.
So now it is Sunday, i have just finished my allocated 2 1/2 glasses of wine and child 2 has finally gone to sleep. I have no idea what the next week will bring… but most likely a fair bit more of wine drinking…….
Until next time folks!
#StayAtHome #SaveLives #ProtecttheNHS
Please note that this blog is meant to be a lighthearted account of my week and by no means is trying to ignore the seriousness of what is going on in the world.